A Right Royal Pain

My grandmother describes cold weather movement similes; most frequently nippy or brisk. If that is the case then Austrian winters are like an Olympic sprinter. Gloves designed for Australian winters are only suitable for indoors when visiting the Continent. Australian beanies are no better.

It is so cold in Austrian winters, and as I will discover later on my journeys in other areas of Europe, that I would not be at all surprised if maternity wards at the end of each summer/beginning Autumns were closed.

The weather causes a lot of shrinkage, even inside thermals. Getting ready for a shower I scared myself when catching a glimpse of my mangina in the mirror. Most alarming was that I had not tucked anything between my legs! How a man stays “upright” in such chilled conditions is unimaginable – even having seen the beauty of their women?

It could be argued that sex is of course a great way to keep warm in such extreme conditions. Exercise and sharing body warmth are both proven ways of staving off the cold. Emperor Joseph proved this to be true siring eleven children.

Making this reproductive feat all the more impressive his wife was originally his cousin and she did not love him. Throughout the duration of their marriage his wife acquired her own apartment within the palace, earned her own income and spent her life travelling abroad leaving the Emperor to hear of her whereabouts through the press.

Despite his own intestinal marriage - traditionally the way of English royalty and Tasmanians the Austrian Empire expanded its territories through marriages not war. Maria Antionette, wife of Napolean was the favourite daughter of Joseph. Of course she did not enjoy the same favour in France where she was ultimately beheaded. This marriage did not acquire new land for Austria it did however prevent losing some land.

Other marriages expanded the Austrian borders into Hungary and Bulgaria and saw it gain favour with the British Empire. Whilst Joseph was busy earning the favours with the marriages of his children the Empress was gaining favour of her own, mainly with Bulgarian aristocracy and royals. The death of one Bulgarian prince reportedly caused her much personal grief. Now if only New Idea was in existence then to record the lurid details and saucy photographs of their affair.

The Austrian Imperial family, in its history also played a part in bringing down the Roman Empire, a marriage here a divorce there. Either way you know the Romans blamed it on the in-laws.

Mozart played for the Empress in her private suite, her court, within Schloss Schönbrunn. A grand palace which once housed over 1600 people with opulent interior design and extensive grounds including Europe’s first zoo and a guard tower from which one can see all of Vienna.

Mozart first performed to the royal court at the age of six. At the age of six I had not yet mastered the building of a Lego car good enough to show my own mother let alone compose and perform arias to royal houses.

Embarrassingly I injured my foot within the palace. The balls of the big and little toes on both feet, nothing specific just general soreness and tenderness. Just from walking around the palace and its grounds. Not even extreme power walking, more of a meandering wander. In the last four years I have trekked the Namibian desert and South African savannah and climbed the Inca trail in Peru. I do not own a car so travel everywhere within my home city on foot, all without incident. I spend a lazy afternoon strolling through a palace and am left lame for days.

Roommates

Throughout my holiday I had more than one moment of concern about my own levels of personal hygiene. In the first 48 hours of arriving in Austria I had five different roommates. One of those only shared the room for six hours.

Is there something people are not telling me? Do I have spinach in between my teeth? Do I have BO?

Talking of which I did share with one Iranian man who did suffer from the worst BO I have ever experienced. It hung in the air like ash from an Icelandic volcano and caused just as much disruption.

This man’s BO you could tell when he was in the room from the moment you walked through the front door of the hostel. Despite the fact our room was on the second floor right at the end of the corridor, it was easily detectable. Over the aromas emanating fro the kitchen. Over the stench of stale cigarette smoke from the smokers pit in the foyer. Over the combination of sweat, hormones and cheap deodorant worn by the teenagers on school based ski camps. This man’s offensive perfume was detectable throughout the three storey four winged hostel.

His perfume was a mix of four ingredients; sweat, feet, halitosis and faeces.

I should not complain too much as his BO did have two positive effects. Firstly it successfully replaced my with a feeling of constant nausea, so although not pleasant it was effective in helping me lose a little weight. Secondly as a long time insomniac the gaseous emissions did knock me out. Cold.

I wonder if this is what the coalition of the willing meant when they talked about WMDs? Whiffs of mass destruction.

The other recurring problem I had throughout my vacation was snoring. The antidote to the slumbering affect of BO snoring can keep one awake for hours.

The worst snorer I came a cross was in St Moritz. It was a noise that sounded as though he had inhaled some of his bedding and piece of linen was still stuck in his throat. Ironic considering my head was full of thoughts of forcing the entire duna/quilt/duvet down his throat. I tried making loud noises. I tried lobbing items at his person I even resorted to yelling, all in a vain attempt to wake him up slightly to break the snoring pattern.

It worked to a point. He did wake up slightly and he did roll over. Unfortunately he snored equally loudly whether he be on his back, side or stomach.

I barely survived one night with the one man freight train, asking to swap rooms for the following night. The hostel staff obliged, without telling me the jack-hammer was departing that day. I readily changed room leaving my one snoring companion forever behind me only to move into a room with three snorers.

Interestingly they operated like a gang of schoolyard bullies. The leader snored, and as if in an attempt to intimidate their victim, (me) the other two echoed the snore of their captain. Bullies get their sense of power from the cowering of their chosen victim. Research has shown that if people stand up to the bully there may be an initial elevation in the violence but it soon subsides and the bullying ceases as the leader loses their sense of power.
I did yell and raise the ire of the lead snorer as I woke him. After a few cross words and what I can only assume were profanities – it is very hard to maintain a verbal argument whilst laying horizontal in bunk beds on opposite sides of a darkened room when the two protagonists speak different languages. It worked though. He stopped snoring and very soon after the exhaling rumblings of his stooges also ceased.

Europe - people are dying to get in

Living in backpackers is a great way to meet interesting people. Interesting because of their countries of origins, interesting because of their holiday plans – past, present and future, interesting because of their smell (more about this in later blogs) and interesting because of their jobs – past present and future.

Staying at Hotel Hütteldorf in Vienna Austria I shared with an Austrian male who was currently unemployed and homeless – and yes unfortunately the later is as a result of the former condition.
He was travelling throughout Europe searching for gainful employment in his field of speciality.

Cemetery design. In his words “he brings energy to the holes”. Ignoring the obvious and disturbing connections to German defecation porn or the more disturbing possibility of necrophilia I think it means he designed crypts and mausoleums.

I was surprised he was unemployed as despite all of the advances in medical science and downturns in economies people continue to die. In Europe where there are so many people squashed into every decreasing amount of spaces I would have thought the need for effective and space efficient disposal of corpses would be at a premium.

Apparently the global financial crisis means that although the people are still dying leaving their relatives in need for appropriate holes, they can no longer afford holes that are energetic.