Travel Insurance

Travel insurance, like a pre-nuptial agreement, is all about preparing for the worst whilst at the same time planning and hoping for the best. I am making bookings to visit what is left of New Zealand – the north island. I read all of the details in the product disclosure statement, even the fine print, and could not find any exclusions about if the country you are visiting unexpectedly sinks to the bottom of the ocean, which is about the only natural disaster not seen around the world in 2011 so I think my travel companion and myself will be covered.

I like to undertake adventure activities when travelling abroad; abseiling, sky diving, trekking, zip lines, human sling shots white water rafting. I am half way through my mission to white water raft on every planet. Due to these types of activities I always take out the premium level of travel insurance available.

I have even had use to claim on my travel insurance. Twice. Neither time was it due to what insurers consider to be “extreme activities”.

In Africa having spent 4 weeks trekking across desserts and savannah regions where I got charged by an elephant whilst I was sitting in a jeep and charged by a rhinoceros while I was on foot I white water rafted and consequently swam in crocodile infested waters of the Zimbabwean river system. I jumped out of a plane that was held together by gaffa tape over the deserts of Namibia.

It was none of these activities that resulted in an insurance claim.

At the end of my safari tour I spent 4 days in the luxury resort of Sun City. I was spending a luxurious day in their water park and chose to utilise the waterslides. Admittedly the slide was called “Slide of Courage.” This slide was long and straight at an angle of approx 85%. Bodies separate from the actual slide during the descent. I separated enough that by the time I got to the bottom I had what can only be described as a landing. Coming to a complete halt across the slide still 5m short of the end-pool. The resounding “crack” sound was loud enough that the entire park came to a complete stand still.

Surprisingly I had not broken anything and was able to get up and walk away from the scene. The injury did not become clear until approximately 30minutes later. I had torn the trapezius muscle which extend down the back of the neck to the shoulder.

Gym-junkies will spend endless hours to build up their pecs, biceps and triceps, hundreds of sit ups and twists to get the perfect six pack for their abs, but I am here to tell you that they are all wasting their time. The trapezius is where all of the strength is.

Having torn it off of the bone I lost all strength in my upper body. Having had room service change the sheets and remake the bed, I had to ask the maid to return to my room to untuck the covers as I did not have the strength to turn down a sheet.

Even though it took nearly an hour to get out of bed, I did manage to still get down to the endless buffets at both lunch and dinner. After all I needed to build my strength to commence the healing process.

At least falling off a water slide is more extreme than the reason for my claim when holidaying in New York for Christmas in 2007.

I was hospitalised with extreme gastroenteritis which I contracted from a computer key board. It is often said that computer viruses are often spread through email.

Although I got exceptional service from all of the hospital staff – albeit that I was the only person in casualty that was not their due to alcohol or drug intoxication, it did not warrant the cost.

AU$13,000 in bills. For this I got two drip bags of saline, four x-rays and eight hours on a hospital gurney and a cup of ice chips. No meals, no over night stay. I only saw a doctor for 10minutes in total. Most of the treatment was done by radiographers and orderlies.

For this amount I would have hoped that the drip would be laced with something more exotic and dripping from bags made of gold.

I can’t complain though. I was so sick that throughout the previous night that even though it was the depth of a New York winter with snow all over, the only way I could get cool enough to fall asleep was to lay naked on the cement floor of the bathroom.

I was burning up. The saline was not liquid platinum but it did the trick. After eight hours I was good as gold and able to stomach more meals that consist mainly of cheese. Even more I boarded a 20 hour long-haul flight back to Australia not more than 30 hours later.

I am wondering if travel insurance to New Zealand includes protection against their accent!

Fashion v Function

It seems that teenagers fail to understand the definition of UNDERwear . What started as a fashion of ensuring the waistband is on show has progressed to enduring the waistband AND legs hems are also on display. This fashion does not stop on the streets. Even on the slopes in the Swiss Alps this is an important fashion requirement.

Guys wear their ski pants down below their butt, while the girls wear the pants undone and rolled down to reveal the level of treatment they receive when visiting their local beautician. Despite the obvious protection the ski pants offer to areas of the human anatomy that can benefit from additional padding and warmth.

If I have learned anything from being a Seinfeld devotee it is that men suffer shrinkage in the cold. In a region of the world that it is common to go direct from the slopes to a nude spa and sauna this cannot be very flattering for the men. On the other hand it might explain why they get away with being naked in a sauna – everyone’s genitals appear to be innies, with no outies out to shock the locals!.

Consideration of colour when choosing your ski apparel is important regardless of age. For the under 50s it is important to get tops and bottom in exactly the same colour and/or pattern. For the over 50s is seems compulsory. If you are female and over 50 it is popular, if not unfortunate for most, to wear a onsie.

Safety headwear when skiing is surprisingly popular in a region of the world where the wearing of seatbelts when driving is merely a road safety suggestion and talking on the mobile phone whilst driving welcomed. I saw a guy cycling with no helmet, talking on his phone, smoking and eating a sandwich leaving him with minus one hand on the handlebars. Helmets on the snow though – everyone wears them.

When it comes to clothing, whether in the snow or no, it is never appropriate to dress identically to your partner! There, I’ve said it.

Headwear is not essential, especially if you have gent’s blow wave so big that it would make Barry Gibb jealous.

One of the favourite outfits I saw was a woman in a white body-hugging one-piece outfit with matching white belt, white goggles, white gloves and white scarf. Not bad for a woman clearly in her late 60s. The only colour she wore was bright orange lipstick and I think hat was just so her friends did not lose her in the white snow

Lost In Translation

Randolins Backpacker and Hotel, St Moritz Switzerland. Breakfast includes “ovumtine” and “good nuts”. This may be a case of things getting lost in translation, but one thing for sure is no-one wants dried gonads for breakfast.

Quite frankly if a woman’s ovaries are discharging a dry brown powder one should firstly see their doctor immediately and then apparently collect it in a tin and serve it as a warm milk beverage.

Switzerland, in some regions does not openly welcome tourists. St Moritz does not allocate many resources to translating signs, local information or menus, if there is a translation it is most likely to be in Italian – the nearest neighbour is the Italian city of Turin.

The first language of Switzerland is Swiss-German. Not in St Moritz. Here they prefer to speak a hybrid of German and Latin. Not even doctors speak Latin anymore. The second language is the national tongue then Italian. English is treated with derision, disappointment, disgust and pity.

It should also be noted that information printed on signs, timetables, posters, brochures and books – no matter how recently it was published – should not be taken as the truth, rather it is a mere suggestion of what events and services are available.

Buses will run at different times and on varying routes. Places of business may be closed regardless of their advertised opening times. Signs tell you that retailers only accept Swiss Franc. This is true unless a consumer offers them Euros, in which case the prices are often much cheaper,

They do however only give change in Swiss Franc.

Unless you are travelling with an abacas and a slid-ruler do not try to calculate the conversion rates utilised by the sales assistance as it seems to alter between the time they quote the prices and the time they present you with the change.

St Moritz, the whole town is merely a rough guide, a representation of itself. On the signs at the entrance to the town it should say Welcome to St Moritz*^.

*Serving suggestion only

^ Conditions apply

darren freak

Roommates

Throughout my holiday I had more than one moment of concern about my own levels of personal hygiene. In the first 48 hours of arriving in Austria I had five different roommates. One of those only shared the room for six hours.

Is there something people are not telling me? Do I have spinach in between my teeth? Do I have BO?

Talking of which I did share with one Iranian man who did suffer from the worst BO I have ever experienced. It hung in the air like ash from an Icelandic volcano and caused just as much disruption.

This man’s BO you could tell when he was in the room from the moment you walked through the front door of the hostel. Despite the fact our room was on the second floor right at the end of the corridor, it was easily detectable. Over the aromas emanating fro the kitchen. Over the stench of stale cigarette smoke from the smokers pit in the foyer. Over the combination of sweat, hormones and cheap deodorant worn by the teenagers on school based ski camps. This man’s offensive perfume was detectable throughout the three storey four winged hostel.

His perfume was a mix of four ingredients; sweat, feet, halitosis and faeces.

I should not complain too much as his BO did have two positive effects. Firstly it successfully replaced my with a feeling of constant nausea, so although not pleasant it was effective in helping me lose a little weight. Secondly as a long time insomniac the gaseous emissions did knock me out. Cold.

I wonder if this is what the coalition of the willing meant when they talked about WMDs? Whiffs of mass destruction.

The other recurring problem I had throughout my vacation was snoring. The antidote to the slumbering affect of BO snoring can keep one awake for hours.

The worst snorer I came a cross was in St Moritz. It was a noise that sounded as though he had inhaled some of his bedding and piece of linen was still stuck in his throat. Ironic considering my head was full of thoughts of forcing the entire duna/quilt/duvet down his throat. I tried making loud noises. I tried lobbing items at his person I even resorted to yelling, all in a vain attempt to wake him up slightly to break the snoring pattern.

It worked to a point. He did wake up slightly and he did roll over. Unfortunately he snored equally loudly whether he be on his back, side or stomach.

I barely survived one night with the one man freight train, asking to swap rooms for the following night. The hostel staff obliged, without telling me the jack-hammer was departing that day. I readily changed room leaving my one snoring companion forever behind me only to move into a room with three snorers.

Interestingly they operated like a gang of schoolyard bullies. The leader snored, and as if in an attempt to intimidate their victim, (me) the other two echoed the snore of their captain. Bullies get their sense of power from the cowering of their chosen victim. Research has shown that if people stand up to the bully there may be an initial elevation in the violence but it soon subsides and the bullying ceases as the leader loses their sense of power.
I did yell and raise the ire of the lead snorer as I woke him. After a few cross words and what I can only assume were profanities – it is very hard to maintain a verbal argument whilst laying horizontal in bunk beds on opposite sides of a darkened room when the two protagonists speak different languages. It worked though. He stopped snoring and very soon after the exhaling rumblings of his stooges also ceased.

Stories and Silliness from the Snow - Back to the future

Travelling from Australia is unusual in as much that to get to most destinations a traveller must travel back in time. Travel west and the time travel is incremental usually in one hour blocks. Even Perth finds itself up to three hours in the past compared to the cities on the east coast. Travel east and not soon after New Zealand and suddenly a traveller loses an entire day as the international dateline is crossed.

On a previous holiday time stood still when I had three flights from three different countries and they all departed at 3pm on the same day. Don’t worry about jetlag, this sort of experience does your head in. Coming back to Australia from the east is no better as a 24hour flight takes up to 48hours by the clock. Coming back across the dateline and a n entire day just completely disappears.

In both examples I am left with the worrying philosophical dilemma “did I actually exist”. If I completely missed a day am I really one day younger. If I take off at 3pm arrive at 1pm on the same day did I have a “Groundhog Day” moment? Did I get a do-over? If a plane lands before it takes off did it ever fly at all?

I suggest this problem of the time-space continuum should be investigated more thoroughly, particularly as part of any carbon emissions debate. If the plane never really flew then it never really emitted any carbon.

On the upside, for business people with poor time management taking a flight to Perth every once in a while is a creative way of getting an extra few hours into your dairy to finish a task or two.

If travel was a classroom, then travelling west is like a teacher who gives you a few extra minutes to finish the page of maths, only to take the time away again (travelling back east) by keeping you in at lunchtime.

Travelling east is more like when the whole class does not understand the concept as so the teacher decides to start over from the very beginning – just before surprising the class with a surprise Saturday detention. Your weekend inexplicably disappears.

Eureka Skydeck 88

Whilst I maintain a health scepticism for a claim of being the best that has any qualifying features, Eureka Skydeck 88 billed as the highest viewing platform in the southern hemisphere is worth the visit. Too many qualifications for my liking . It is not the tallest building anywhere but in Melbourne itself and not even the tallest viewing platform. I was surprised to see that the glorified aerial that is the Eiffel Tower has a viewing platform higher than this one.

It is like Usain Bolt, impressive as the world’s fastest man. It would be less impressive if he was described as the fastest male of African decent to run in an Olympic Games held on the Asian continent. Too many qualifiers.

Despite the declaration of there being better viewing platforms elsewhere in the world the entry price is worth it, if for no other reason than to ride the fastest elevator in the southern hemisphere (again with the overstated description).

On the 88th floor, of the world’s tallest residential building, the viewing platform is 285 meters above Melbourne’s CDB. Eureka Skydeck offers excellent views of the Melbourne skyline, suburbs and coastline. Fitted out with pointers, landmarks and historical sites are easily found.

As proof of the adage “less is more”, the developers of Eureka Skydeck went too far. Where the spectacular views with markers would have been more than enough the designers have added extra features.

There are broadcast sound effects that capture the unique sounds of Victoria’s history; noises from the goldfields, Aussie rules football, the last post and galloping. Whilst unnecessary these noises are tolerable. The noise of peak hour traffic almost 300m above the busy street is disconcerting. You do not want to see people ducking for cover from imaginary traffic where the only thing preventing them from plummeting 88 floors to their death is a pane of gold plated glass. Sure there has to be a sound more fitting of the CBD. Perhaps the romanticised ding of a tram bell.

The other added feature that proves to be more a hindrance than a help is the LCD scrolling facts running across the floors and walls. The facts are barely informative let alone entertaining. But the reflect of f the interior of the glass making it extremely difficult to take photographs. The blue LCD panels are so bright that they can be seen from the ground during daylight hours.

The Terrace is a unique experience where the glass has been replaced by a metal grill similar to a screen door. Visitors are exposed to the elements. Whilst completely safe , those who suffer vertigo will get a thrill from standing on the Terrace.

For an additional charge visitors can stand/sit/lie all to briefly in a glass cube called “The Edge” that extends and retracts from the building. No cameras are allowed in The Edge. This is not about safety but rather commercial interests. You can purchase a mass produced photo of your personal Edge experience from the kiosk. This “ride” and I use the term loosely do not warrant the additional charge.

Definitely worth the visit and worth waiting to get into the corners to block out the LCD screens to take photographs.

The kiosk will happily sell stationery, trinkets and clothing for people who want more than just their photographs to remember the experience.

Cost: $16 adults, $11 concession, $9 child, $29/$39 family, group bookings available
The Edge $12 adults, $10 concession, $8 child, $19/$29 family
Open 10am – 10pm seven days.
Address Riverside Quay, Southbank Melbourne.
Web www.eurekaskydeck.com.au