Beautiful One Day...

When travelling everyone wants the weather to be perfect. This is no truer than visiting snow fields. Perfect weather at the snow is full of contradictions.

Firstly everyone wants the snow to be fresh and deep. For this to occur the temperature has to be cold. Snow is a form of precipitation. The conditions have to be just right for snow to form otherwise the precipitation falls in the form of rain or hail.

Snow beautiful – rain, not.

Despite the need for cold wintery conditions to create the much desired snow, visitors to alpine areas still want it to be a day of brilliant sunshine. Not sure where people expect the snow to come from if there are not clouds in the sky.

Of course the perfect conditions at the snow is bright sunshine during the day and snow blizzards over night when we are inside eating, drinking, partying, recovering...

From a recent trip to Mt Buller I have also learned that perfect snow conditions occur outside of school holidays and weekends. In fact Monday’s are the best day – everyone has returned to work following a “weekend away”.

No queues for hiring equipment. No queues for getting on the lifts. No queues at the restaurants, cafes and bars.

Importantly there is room on the slopes. There is room to ski/board at speeds that are just so slightly faster than one can stay in control. There is room to change direction both intentionally and involuntarily. There is room just to stop and take in the views (if the weather is perfect)

The perfect alpine experience however relies on my than the weather conditions. It is the food. At Mt Buller the perfect end to a day on the slopes is a bag of fresh hot cinnamon donuts. Sold at the exit from the Village they are the perfect (if not healthy) accompaniment for the bus ride back to your car/chalet. A good glass of wine (mulled wine is perfect for the conditions) sipped between mouthfuls of freshly prepared cuisine with some good company.

The perfect end to a day on the slopes is the removal of the ski gear and changing back into street clothes. Bulky jackets and pants, beanies and gloves all serve an essential service but they are not comfortable or in the most part flattering. There is no more perfect feeling though, than removing the ski boots. I maintain that only better feeling is the relaxation of the sphincter after a really good poo.

After all are we all after a really good snow dump?

Fashion v Function

It seems that teenagers fail to understand the definition of UNDERwear . What started as a fashion of ensuring the waistband is on show has progressed to enduring the waistband AND legs hems are also on display. This fashion does not stop on the streets. Even on the slopes in the Swiss Alps this is an important fashion requirement.

Guys wear their ski pants down below their butt, while the girls wear the pants undone and rolled down to reveal the level of treatment they receive when visiting their local beautician. Despite the obvious protection the ski pants offer to areas of the human anatomy that can benefit from additional padding and warmth.

If I have learned anything from being a Seinfeld devotee it is that men suffer shrinkage in the cold. In a region of the world that it is common to go direct from the slopes to a nude spa and sauna this cannot be very flattering for the men. On the other hand it might explain why they get away with being naked in a sauna – everyone’s genitals appear to be innies, with no outies out to shock the locals!.

Consideration of colour when choosing your ski apparel is important regardless of age. For the under 50s it is important to get tops and bottom in exactly the same colour and/or pattern. For the over 50s is seems compulsory. If you are female and over 50 it is popular, if not unfortunate for most, to wear a onsie.

Safety headwear when skiing is surprisingly popular in a region of the world where the wearing of seatbelts when driving is merely a road safety suggestion and talking on the mobile phone whilst driving welcomed. I saw a guy cycling with no helmet, talking on his phone, smoking and eating a sandwich leaving him with minus one hand on the handlebars. Helmets on the snow though – everyone wears them.

When it comes to clothing, whether in the snow or no, it is never appropriate to dress identically to your partner! There, I’ve said it.

Headwear is not essential, especially if you have gent’s blow wave so big that it would make Barry Gibb jealous.

One of the favourite outfits I saw was a woman in a white body-hugging one-piece outfit with matching white belt, white goggles, white gloves and white scarf. Not bad for a woman clearly in her late 60s. The only colour she wore was bright orange lipstick and I think hat was just so her friends did not lose her in the white snow