Beautiful One Day...

When travelling everyone wants the weather to be perfect. This is no truer than visiting snow fields. Perfect weather at the snow is full of contradictions.

Firstly everyone wants the snow to be fresh and deep. For this to occur the temperature has to be cold. Snow is a form of precipitation. The conditions have to be just right for snow to form otherwise the precipitation falls in the form of rain or hail.

Snow beautiful – rain, not.

Despite the need for cold wintery conditions to create the much desired snow, visitors to alpine areas still want it to be a day of brilliant sunshine. Not sure where people expect the snow to come from if there are not clouds in the sky.

Of course the perfect conditions at the snow is bright sunshine during the day and snow blizzards over night when we are inside eating, drinking, partying, recovering...

From a recent trip to Mt Buller I have also learned that perfect snow conditions occur outside of school holidays and weekends. In fact Monday’s are the best day – everyone has returned to work following a “weekend away”.

No queues for hiring equipment. No queues for getting on the lifts. No queues at the restaurants, cafes and bars.

Importantly there is room on the slopes. There is room to ski/board at speeds that are just so slightly faster than one can stay in control. There is room to change direction both intentionally and involuntarily. There is room just to stop and take in the views (if the weather is perfect)

The perfect alpine experience however relies on my than the weather conditions. It is the food. At Mt Buller the perfect end to a day on the slopes is a bag of fresh hot cinnamon donuts. Sold at the exit from the Village they are the perfect (if not healthy) accompaniment for the bus ride back to your car/chalet. A good glass of wine (mulled wine is perfect for the conditions) sipped between mouthfuls of freshly prepared cuisine with some good company.

The perfect end to a day on the slopes is the removal of the ski gear and changing back into street clothes. Bulky jackets and pants, beanies and gloves all serve an essential service but they are not comfortable or in the most part flattering. There is no more perfect feeling though, than removing the ski boots. I maintain that only better feeling is the relaxation of the sphincter after a really good poo.

After all are we all after a really good snow dump?

Adrenalin Rush

I enjoy an adrenalin rush when travelling. I am halfway through my plan to white water raft on every continent; I have jumped out of planes; been flung through the air on a human sling shot; have done bobsledding on an Olympic run and have been charged by rhinoceros.

In New Zealand I have added to the adrenalin pumping activities by spending an afternoon navigating my way through a ropes course. From the outset I need to point out that calling it a ropes course is misleading. The only ropes are those attached to the safety harness. The course itself is steel cables and planks of wood. A “steel and wood course” however sounds more like an accredited trade course at TAFE than an adventure activity.

Each of the activities in themselves are not that daunting. Walking across a swinging bridge and a 40foot long piece of perma-pine that is 60cm in diameter, easy. Suspend them 30feet in the air though and they do strange things with your mind.

Suddenly your balance resembles that of a footballer after a Brownlow Medal night or a television “personality” by the time the Gold Logie is announced.

Logic plays no part in the process. At the end of every apparatus the only way down is to be lowered by the instructor using the ropes attached to your harness. In other words, you have to fall off. You start with the lower and easier apparatus so you learn to trust the instructor and the rigging. Yet this knowledge disappears the moment you start to climb up the support pole for the next activity. For the duration of the activity the mind battles with the thought that falling equals death, then having completed the task having no fear about falling to the ground when instructed to.

Can we talk about the instructors for a moment (rhetorical)? This is a sadistic group of people. Sure they are encouraging and skilled at motivating people to step outside of their comfort zone. But they get way to much pleasure out of seeing people squirm and cry and be paralysed with fear. My instructor happily let people dangle or drop them a few feet when he thought they were relaxed.

He was also skilled at using the harness and safety rope to pull people away from the support poles so that they were forced to walk, shuffle, crawl or at least fall. It is to be noted that on the giant swing - which commenced with the most amazing rush as you fell towards the ground from the 30ft landing until the rope gained tension and started its parabola – he gave the women an opportunity to jump and have control of their start, for the men he just pushed them off.

Free fall abseiling 100m into a poorly lit cavern also gets the adrenalin flowing. Also an abseiler has (or should have) complete control of their own descent, a mind still fills with a mix of exhilaration and dread. Exhilarated because of the sense of freedom and possibility and the beauty of what you can see and feel. Dread because of the alternative conclusion, and the fear of what you can not see. Does it make it better or worse that when repelling 100m that you can not see how quickly the ground is coming up to meet you?

Caving, whilst spectacularly beautiful, and peaceful, comes with its own adrenalin pumping aspects. What happens if I get stuck crawling through that tight space? Is the water in the creek running faster, is it the beginning of a flash flood? Cave-ins happen, ropes break, ladders fall and wild animals call caves home. Anything can happen in a cave, I know, I have seen it in the movies.

Zorbing? What is Zorbing? The large inflatable balls that you can get inside, made famous in Coke-a-Cola advertising. These balls move surprisingly slowly but are still adrenalin filled. Rolling uncontrollably down a hill inside a ball is a lot of fun. There are a few litres of water in the ball to reduce the friction and therefore the possibility of injury. It means that you just slip and slide around inside the ball until it comes to a stop. Sharing a Zorb ball with an amazing woman wearing an equally amazing bikini is also sure to get the adrenalin pumping.

Having successfully negotiated these activities, imagine my embarrassment when atop the Tower in Auckland I could barely stand up. Built into the floor are a number of glass panels so that you can look through to the ground 220m below. The signs indicate that the glass is as strong as the cement used in the remainder of the flooring. Despite the signs and being inside a building I went week at the knees and had to drag myself onto the glass and be coaxed into letting go of the handrail.

So the most adrenalin filled experienced was not the ropes, swings, beautiful women, inflatable balls or even NZ drivers (refer to previous blog). Sitting down was the most exhilarating activity I did.

I must be getting old.

Before long I will be wanting to go to China...for the tea!

New Zealanders think they are sweet as…

It is hard when on a driving holiday in a foreign country to not meet people that live there, no matter how hard you try. I was fearful because of my predisposition to easily assuming local accents. On my last trip to New York I had adopted the accent by the time I collected my luggage. The NZ accent amazes me not because of their unwillingness to voice vowels but because all utterance (even from the most burly Maori nightclub bouncer) seems to be surprisingly high pitched and always ending in a questioning upward inflection.

I was also fearful of blatantly laughing at the accent having made jokes at the countries pronunciation for days prior to my trip and for much of the three hour flight.

The accent, as it happened was not the thing of which to be most fearful.

Drivers.

I grew up in Adelaide where no-one wants to be overtaken or have someone change into the lane in front of them. People will knowingly alternate their speed from fast to slow just to prevent a change in the order of cars on the tarmac. But Adelaidian drivers are a picture of road etiquette in comparison to drivers in Auckland.

In their defence not all of the road problems are the fault of the drivers. For example the main highway heading south out of Auckland merges from four lanes to one in a distance of less than 50km. his does not help traffic flow at any time but especially at the beginning of a 4 day weekend when the entire population appeared to have journeyed to Auckland just so that they could all travel south on the morning of the first public holiday.

This however does not explain the consistent desire to slow down while on highways – with no posted change of speed limit – as the highway bypassed smaller towns. The high way did not pass through the town in some cases it passed over them or usually 1km or so to the side of them. None the less all traffic decided it important to slow to half the allowed speed limit.

When finally on the open road, cars of all makes and models appeared to be speed limited at 80km/hr a frustrating 20km/hr below the speed limit. Why New Zealand? Why? I used language which in my family is usually reserved for dad when repairing the washing machine.

The only thing that equalled the frustration experienced in the traffic was the absence of sign posting for roads and major attractions. Having driven round in circles for 15-20 minutes looking for one attractions we phoned the proprietors for directions only to be told to stay on the road on which we were already travelling until we saw the sign and turn right.

The road we were on came to an end at a waterfall without passing any signage. The road parallel when we got on that did lead to the attraction, which was actually on the left and not the right. The only sign we saw was at the driveway only meters from the attraction that was so obvious that at distance no sign was assisting with directions.

When it comes to fashion curvaceous women of Maori descent should not wear cream coloured leggings as outerwear over the top of black underwear. Strike that no woman should wear cream coloured leggings as outerwear over the top of black underwear. Even with someone like Megan Gale it is what you do not see that makes her alluring.

The favourite people we met in New Zealand were not locals at all. Instead they were students from Columbia. They were visiting the land of the great white cloud – get this – to learn English! I thought it would make sense to go to a country that actually spoke the language you were hoping to learn. Let me state the English language has FIVE vowel, in this order: A, E, I, O, U.

The German tourist we met in Bay of Plenty was the least favourite person we met. She followed the example of her forbears as she occupied areas that were not hers. She elbowed everyone away from the hotplates while she prepared her Aryan food. Like all invasions, there was a down side to occupation, not allowing others into the kitchen meant she had to do all of the dishes.

It must be said that in general the locals, which included a number of ex-patriot Irish working in NZ as guides, were extremely welcoming and friendly. Don’t quote me on that, a statement so inflammatory can be seen as “un-Australian” by Australian governments and could result in expulsion from the country.

5th Show - "Freakuent Flyer"

Take #1 - Again I said "I will count to 3"

Take #2 - not sure they are any more organised

A great audience for the fifth show including the Clint the guide dog puppy. Lots of laughs and people willing to join in. Weirdly the heckles came after the show as they were leaving. Still got the last word - and some extra laughs. I really appreciated the second round of applause by a group of the audience as they passed me in the corridor as they were on the way out.

You have heard the rumours and Tuesday night will be your last chance to see Freakuent Flyer. Tickets still available through TicketMaster and at the door. Artists get in free with your participant pass.

http://www.comedyfestival.com.au/2011/season/shows/darren-freak-freakuent-flyer

Freakuent Flyer - Hump Day

Night four of seven. Great size audience. Performing at Hotel Discovery (backpacker) tonight was the first night we managed to get any of the backpackers to attend the show - great work Tamm. There were also a number of walk ups which is exciting - thanks to previous audiences for their positive word-of-mouth. A big shout out to the two Asian backpackers for your excited participation in the photo.

Audiences are growing with Sunday being a sell out! To see what the buzz is about get tickets to Saturday or Tuesday shows.

http://www.comedyfestival.com.au/2011/season/shows/darren-freak-freakuent-flyer

Night 3 - Freakuent Flyer

Take #1 - Muriel was not ready

Take #2 - so much better as Muriel had got herself organised!

A small but great spirited audience. Had the chance to meet them all by name. Definitely in the mood for a good laugh. A small audience means there is a lot of chance for extra material - like DVD extras (if only I was filming a DVD)

Only a few tickets left for Friday night show. Sunday SOLD OUT. Still tickets available for Saturday and Tuesday show.

http://www.comedyfestival.com.au/2011/season/shows/darren-freak-freakuent-flyer

Freakuent Flyer (Melbourne International Comedy Festival) - Show #2

22 people in the audience tonight and they all appeared to enjoy themselves. Still laughing in all of the right places. I only lost track of where I was up to once but again James-the-Sound-Guy kept me on track. Explored some improvised material that went down well...special thanks to the Australian armed forces for their inspiration.

Thanks to audience members took the time to speak to me/shake my hand after the show, I am thankful you came along and relieved you were amused by my stories and songs

Still tickets available for the next couple of shows. Other artists are free with their participant passes

http://www.comedyfestival.com.au/2011/season/shows/darren-freak-freakuent-flyer

First show - Freakuent Flyer

The first show is done and dusted, I lost track of where I was up to but thanks to James-the-Sound-Guy it all came together beautifully. A small but appreciative audience. Check out the tour photo.

Remembered all of the words and tunes to all of the songs.

Seats are still available so hope to see you there

http://www.comedyfestival.com.au/2011/season/shows/darren-freak-freakuent-flyer

Have you picked up lately?

My first overseas holiday was to Africa for a four week safari. I remember that for that trip I got quite a send off; Mum, Dad, sister, Auntie and a car full of friends. At the time I thought it was wonderful. Sharing the love and all that.

Turns out they all were just making sure that I left the country.

This was best demonstrated on my return from the same holiday. Having collected my luggage and passed through Australian customs I entered the “Arrivals” lounge to find it full over everyone else’s family and friends. They all did arrive.

My friends were about 30 minutes late, but did eventually complete the pick up. My parents did show at the airport some 12 hours after my arrival. They confused am/pm apparently. Tey called me from the airport to determine my location.

Now the love is completely gone. I take a shuttle bus to the airport, alone. On my recent visit to Adelaide my parents did complete an on time pick up. Upon departure their preferred support was to drop my at the nearest bus stop, which would only add an additional 30-40minutes to my journey – to be at the airport for a 6am flight.

In Chile LAN Air got the pick up confused. The flight was delayed and so I missed my connection. A fact I knew some 30 hours prior to my departure. I was already booked on the next available flight and a 5 star hotel room was booked on my behalf at the airlines expense. The only thing left to organise a bus transfer.

There were many other travellers faced with the same situation. The airline customer service staff decided that at this point they would only speak in Spanish, knowing that the majority of affected passengers were Australian. This rule was only broken for one reason – leggy blondes.

The staff were instantly bi-lingual. I think this s a world record for learning a new language.

The blonde was elected our leader, unopposed, and without any further delays we were ushered to the bus stop to await the arrival of the transfer bus. Ninety minutes later the blonde returned to the service desk to negotiate the ordering of an actual bus.

I think there should be rules for airport pickups.

1. A host MUST collect all international visitors from an airport
2. If a host collects interstate visitors from the airport they MUST also complete the drop-off.
3. A traveller MUST offer to pay any airport parking costs incurred by the person/s completing the pick up. The person completing the pickup will ALWAYS refuse the offer.
4. To avoid any carpark costs, a passenger can text/call the picker-upper upon landing. This MUST be arranged prior to the flight and only delay the pick up for a maximum of 5 minutes. This is not an excuse to be late for the pick up.

Share you airport pick up rules and stories in the comments section

New Gigs

two last gigs before the comedy festival starts

24 March @ The Monastery on Church Street Richmond Victoria starts 8pm free entry

29 March @ The London Port Melbourne Victoria starts 8pm free entry

My set will include material from my upcoming show Freakuent Flyer as well as some material that if I was to make a DVD would be in the Extras section

Tickets are selling for my show http://www.ticketmaster.com.au/search?tm_link=tm_homeA_header_search&q=freakuent+flyer&search.x=0&search.y=0 be quick if you want tickets to Sunday night

http://www.comedyfestival.com.au/2011/season/shows/darren-freak-freakuent-flyer

Travel Insurance

Travel insurance, like a pre-nuptial agreement, is all about preparing for the worst whilst at the same time planning and hoping for the best. I am making bookings to visit what is left of New Zealand – the north island. I read all of the details in the product disclosure statement, even the fine print, and could not find any exclusions about if the country you are visiting unexpectedly sinks to the bottom of the ocean, which is about the only natural disaster not seen around the world in 2011 so I think my travel companion and myself will be covered.

I like to undertake adventure activities when travelling abroad; abseiling, sky diving, trekking, zip lines, human sling shots white water rafting. I am half way through my mission to white water raft on every planet. Due to these types of activities I always take out the premium level of travel insurance available.

I have even had use to claim on my travel insurance. Twice. Neither time was it due to what insurers consider to be “extreme activities”.

In Africa having spent 4 weeks trekking across desserts and savannah regions where I got charged by an elephant whilst I was sitting in a jeep and charged by a rhinoceros while I was on foot I white water rafted and consequently swam in crocodile infested waters of the Zimbabwean river system. I jumped out of a plane that was held together by gaffa tape over the deserts of Namibia.

It was none of these activities that resulted in an insurance claim.

At the end of my safari tour I spent 4 days in the luxury resort of Sun City. I was spending a luxurious day in their water park and chose to utilise the waterslides. Admittedly the slide was called “Slide of Courage.” This slide was long and straight at an angle of approx 85%. Bodies separate from the actual slide during the descent. I separated enough that by the time I got to the bottom I had what can only be described as a landing. Coming to a complete halt across the slide still 5m short of the end-pool. The resounding “crack” sound was loud enough that the entire park came to a complete stand still.

Surprisingly I had not broken anything and was able to get up and walk away from the scene. The injury did not become clear until approximately 30minutes later. I had torn the trapezius muscle which extend down the back of the neck to the shoulder.

Gym-junkies will spend endless hours to build up their pecs, biceps and triceps, hundreds of sit ups and twists to get the perfect six pack for their abs, but I am here to tell you that they are all wasting their time. The trapezius is where all of the strength is.

Having torn it off of the bone I lost all strength in my upper body. Having had room service change the sheets and remake the bed, I had to ask the maid to return to my room to untuck the covers as I did not have the strength to turn down a sheet.

Even though it took nearly an hour to get out of bed, I did manage to still get down to the endless buffets at both lunch and dinner. After all I needed to build my strength to commence the healing process.

At least falling off a water slide is more extreme than the reason for my claim when holidaying in New York for Christmas in 2007.

I was hospitalised with extreme gastroenteritis which I contracted from a computer key board. It is often said that computer viruses are often spread through email.

Although I got exceptional service from all of the hospital staff – albeit that I was the only person in casualty that was not their due to alcohol or drug intoxication, it did not warrant the cost.

AU$13,000 in bills. For this I got two drip bags of saline, four x-rays and eight hours on a hospital gurney and a cup of ice chips. No meals, no over night stay. I only saw a doctor for 10minutes in total. Most of the treatment was done by radiographers and orderlies.

For this amount I would have hoped that the drip would be laced with something more exotic and dripping from bags made of gold.

I can’t complain though. I was so sick that throughout the previous night that even though it was the depth of a New York winter with snow all over, the only way I could get cool enough to fall asleep was to lay naked on the cement floor of the bathroom.

I was burning up. The saline was not liquid platinum but it did the trick. After eight hours I was good as gold and able to stomach more meals that consist mainly of cheese. Even more I boarded a 20 hour long-haul flight back to Australia not more than 30 hours later.

I am wondering if travel insurance to New Zealand includes protection against their accent!

All shook up

As Elvis said we are “all shook up”. The human race has spent centuries building structures for the glorification of itself and chosen gods. In the most part the planet has laid back and let it happen. Every now and again, like a housewife shaking the crumbs off the tablecloth after a family dinner, the planet shakes off what it thinks is waste.

Unfortunately for Japan and New Zealand the planet has enjoyed this sensation and added vigour more reminiscent of a dog in the middle of a bath.

Disasters have differing effects on different populations. In Peru earthquakes are received with a degree of enthusiasm knowing that more ancient Inca ruins may be revealed which in turn will bring in more tourism dollars. The fact that the majority of houses are built from mud bricks admittedly reduces the damage bill. As the mud bricks can be restacked. What is unusual is that for all of the earthquake proofing technology that goes into modern architecture Modern buildings in Prue will collapse and be damaged, the ancient Inca structures will remain largely un-harmed.

Politicians will be affected, for brief moments they will remember their purpose and humanity and make decision efficiently based on what will be best for the people, for their needs. They will also remember to speak in complete and detailed sentences with a tone of empathy and statesman like demeanour. I stark contrast to the short sound bites spat out with vindictive arrogance.

Commercial media outlets when they stop salivating at the possibility of winning national and international journalism awards for their disaster coverage will inevitably set out to create stories where a story does not already exist. Regardless of the extent of death and devastation, millions of people homeless hundreds of people dead they will always tell us first about the one Australian who got minor abrasions.

Despite all of the money and energy thrown at a disaster by the commercial networks to create the ultimate “human interest” story with high production values of which Hollywood would be envious; orchestral soundtracks and voice overs baritone voice over, the awards will go to the true news stations that put the energy into simply capturing the news as it happens.

Tourist companies will be in a frenzy to redirect travellers already en-route. Tourism commissions from affected countries immediate go into damage control to ensure that the tourism industry does not suffer as much or as long is the local people. It is an interesting contradiction that the country’s leader will be telling people to stay away for their own safety and the safety of the rescue workers. “The city is closed.” While on the next podium the Minister for Tourism will be pleading with the international community to visit, proudly proclaiming “we are open for business.”

Extremists will take the opportunity to lay blame ofte inexplicably; punishment for homosexuality, global warming, genetically modified crops, stem cell research, too much fibre, not enough fibre social media that is ruining interpersonal communication.

Ideally the shock jocks will find one individual to turn into the scapegoat. Although this person and a professional position of authority the talkback stations announcers and callers will ignore the obvious – that no-one has the authority to actually prevent an earthquake.

Let’s face it, even with the weight of all of the high rise buildings and sumo wrestlers holding the ground in place , the planet still managed to shake Japan loose.

Top 5 Pun-tastic show titles

http://anewleaf.com.au/2011/03/06/top-five-pun-tastic-show-titles-in-2011/
My show "Feakuent Flyer" is number 3 on the list!

Fashion v Function

It seems that teenagers fail to understand the definition of UNDERwear . What started as a fashion of ensuring the waistband is on show has progressed to enduring the waistband AND legs hems are also on display. This fashion does not stop on the streets. Even on the slopes in the Swiss Alps this is an important fashion requirement.

Guys wear their ski pants down below their butt, while the girls wear the pants undone and rolled down to reveal the level of treatment they receive when visiting their local beautician. Despite the obvious protection the ski pants offer to areas of the human anatomy that can benefit from additional padding and warmth.

If I have learned anything from being a Seinfeld devotee it is that men suffer shrinkage in the cold. In a region of the world that it is common to go direct from the slopes to a nude spa and sauna this cannot be very flattering for the men. On the other hand it might explain why they get away with being naked in a sauna – everyone’s genitals appear to be innies, with no outies out to shock the locals!.

Consideration of colour when choosing your ski apparel is important regardless of age. For the under 50s it is important to get tops and bottom in exactly the same colour and/or pattern. For the over 50s is seems compulsory. If you are female and over 50 it is popular, if not unfortunate for most, to wear a onsie.

Safety headwear when skiing is surprisingly popular in a region of the world where the wearing of seatbelts when driving is merely a road safety suggestion and talking on the mobile phone whilst driving welcomed. I saw a guy cycling with no helmet, talking on his phone, smoking and eating a sandwich leaving him with minus one hand on the handlebars. Helmets on the snow though – everyone wears them.

When it comes to clothing, whether in the snow or no, it is never appropriate to dress identically to your partner! There, I’ve said it.

Headwear is not essential, especially if you have gent’s blow wave so big that it would make Barry Gibb jealous.

One of the favourite outfits I saw was a woman in a white body-hugging one-piece outfit with matching white belt, white goggles, white gloves and white scarf. Not bad for a woman clearly in her late 60s. The only colour she wore was bright orange lipstick and I think hat was just so her friends did not lose her in the white snow

Freakuent Flyer Show (Melbourne International Comedy Festival - Tickets now on sale

Lost In Translation

Randolins Backpacker and Hotel, St Moritz Switzerland. Breakfast includes “ovumtine” and “good nuts”. This may be a case of things getting lost in translation, but one thing for sure is no-one wants dried gonads for breakfast.

Quite frankly if a woman’s ovaries are discharging a dry brown powder one should firstly see their doctor immediately and then apparently collect it in a tin and serve it as a warm milk beverage.

Switzerland, in some regions does not openly welcome tourists. St Moritz does not allocate many resources to translating signs, local information or menus, if there is a translation it is most likely to be in Italian – the nearest neighbour is the Italian city of Turin.

The first language of Switzerland is Swiss-German. Not in St Moritz. Here they prefer to speak a hybrid of German and Latin. Not even doctors speak Latin anymore. The second language is the national tongue then Italian. English is treated with derision, disappointment, disgust and pity.

It should also be noted that information printed on signs, timetables, posters, brochures and books – no matter how recently it was published – should not be taken as the truth, rather it is a mere suggestion of what events and services are available.

Buses will run at different times and on varying routes. Places of business may be closed regardless of their advertised opening times. Signs tell you that retailers only accept Swiss Franc. This is true unless a consumer offers them Euros, in which case the prices are often much cheaper,

They do however only give change in Swiss Franc.

Unless you are travelling with an abacas and a slid-ruler do not try to calculate the conversion rates utilised by the sales assistance as it seems to alter between the time they quote the prices and the time they present you with the change.

St Moritz, the whole town is merely a rough guide, a representation of itself. On the signs at the entrance to the town it should say Welcome to St Moritz*^.

*Serving suggestion only

^ Conditions apply

darren freak

I Survived!

Lleyton Hewitt made news on September 11 for not being in New York when the World Trade Centre’s twin towers were hit by planes in what is one of history’s most famous terrorist attacks.

He had flown out and in fact was not even in the country at the time the attack occurred. Considering I was in the country when the devastating floods hit Quuensland and was even in the same state when the less devastating but still serious flooding hit Victoria, I am counting myself as a survivor.

I can’t wait for Kochie and Mel to knock on my surprisingly dry front door.

Using the Hewitt logic I also survived the 2007 earthquake in Peru, in as much as I had tickets to travel to Peru in the same year. The upside of earthquakes in Peru is they lead to the discovery of more Inca ruins and relics.

I also have survived the droughts of southern Africa. When white-water rafting along the Zambezi River in Zimbabwe my tour group admired the amazing cliffs that stretched as far as the eye could see, only to be told by the guide that “it is very sad that we say that as we should be admiring raging waterfalls for as far as the eye could see.”

I also survived both the 1983 Ash Wednesday bush fires in South Australia and the 2009 Black Saturday bushfires in Victoria. During the former I sat on my inner city suburban front lawn in my pyjamas watching the line of fire across the top of the Adelaide Hills. During the later I took a leaf out of former Chief Commissioner of Police Christine Nixon’s book and went out for a meal. I left my apartment in the CBD and went to a Queen Victoria Market cafe and had two ham and cheese croissants at $4.50 each. I remember thinking that the smell of smoke interrupted my alfresco dining experience.

I was closer to danger than Lleyton Hewitt.

I am a survivor.

I also survived a meteorite landing at Lake Titicaca, Bolivia. Sure I was in Princeton, New Jersey, USA at the time but I was meant to be there. I was booked to visit the region for a week after walking the Inca Trail and snorkelling around Galapagos Islands. I changed my travel plans last minute (I can neither confirm nor deny that this change of plans was to chase a lady friend).

The point was I was meant to be on the lake and therefore evacuated at the time of the meteorite strike and I had not told anyone about my change of plans so had to keep up appearances of being there, being evacuated and living in emergency accommodation. I continued writing my daily holiday blogs as if I was.

I can tell you the volunteers and fellow survivors staying in my imaginary shelter were all very pleasant and helpful. The bed comfortable. The food, whilst somewhat bland was plentiful and nutritious. In fact it was all much better than where I actually stayed where I shared a single mattress and all food came with a side of fries. Even a plate of fries came with a serve of fries.

People in South America also understood me more readily than their Northern American cousins. In Peru and Bolivia they speak Spanish. In America English, however unless you have the same accent as them you may as well be speaking double Dutch, it is all Greek to

them. Even many television shows where all the characters are clearly speaking English, the slightest hint of an accent will result in the provision of subtitles..

Although no plane on which I have been a passenger has being flown into a building I have been told by the pilot of a plane departing Adelaide, via the intercom that “this flight will be delayed slightly as it received maintenance on the landing gear in Melbourne this morning that we are not happy about. Relax and enjoy your flight.”

I have also had a pilot loose the airport, not the luggage – the airport. We landed in the correct city but mistakenly the pilot chose the domestic airport for an international flight which just left flight and ground crew confused and the passengers stranded.

I have also survived the disaster of Hog’s Breath Cafe running out of steak. It is a steak house, steak is pretty much all they sell. That is like Bakers Delight running out of bread or a yiros/souvlaki/kebab shop running out of whatever it is that they cook on the long stick and tell the customers is meat.

As I said, I am a survivor.