All shook up

As Elvis said we are “all shook up”. The human race has spent centuries building structures for the glorification of itself and chosen gods. In the most part the planet has laid back and let it happen. Every now and again, like a housewife shaking the crumbs off the tablecloth after a family dinner, the planet shakes off what it thinks is waste.

Unfortunately for Japan and New Zealand the planet has enjoyed this sensation and added vigour more reminiscent of a dog in the middle of a bath.

Disasters have differing effects on different populations. In Peru earthquakes are received with a degree of enthusiasm knowing that more ancient Inca ruins may be revealed which in turn will bring in more tourism dollars. The fact that the majority of houses are built from mud bricks admittedly reduces the damage bill. As the mud bricks can be restacked. What is unusual is that for all of the earthquake proofing technology that goes into modern architecture Modern buildings in Prue will collapse and be damaged, the ancient Inca structures will remain largely un-harmed.

Politicians will be affected, for brief moments they will remember their purpose and humanity and make decision efficiently based on what will be best for the people, for their needs. They will also remember to speak in complete and detailed sentences with a tone of empathy and statesman like demeanour. I stark contrast to the short sound bites spat out with vindictive arrogance.

Commercial media outlets when they stop salivating at the possibility of winning national and international journalism awards for their disaster coverage will inevitably set out to create stories where a story does not already exist. Regardless of the extent of death and devastation, millions of people homeless hundreds of people dead they will always tell us first about the one Australian who got minor abrasions.

Despite all of the money and energy thrown at a disaster by the commercial networks to create the ultimate “human interest” story with high production values of which Hollywood would be envious; orchestral soundtracks and voice overs baritone voice over, the awards will go to the true news stations that put the energy into simply capturing the news as it happens.

Tourist companies will be in a frenzy to redirect travellers already en-route. Tourism commissions from affected countries immediate go into damage control to ensure that the tourism industry does not suffer as much or as long is the local people. It is an interesting contradiction that the country’s leader will be telling people to stay away for their own safety and the safety of the rescue workers. “The city is closed.” While on the next podium the Minister for Tourism will be pleading with the international community to visit, proudly proclaiming “we are open for business.”

Extremists will take the opportunity to lay blame ofte inexplicably; punishment for homosexuality, global warming, genetically modified crops, stem cell research, too much fibre, not enough fibre social media that is ruining interpersonal communication.

Ideally the shock jocks will find one individual to turn into the scapegoat. Although this person and a professional position of authority the talkback stations announcers and callers will ignore the obvious – that no-one has the authority to actually prevent an earthquake.

Let’s face it, even with the weight of all of the high rise buildings and sumo wrestlers holding the ground in place , the planet still managed to shake Japan loose.

I Survived!

Lleyton Hewitt made news on September 11 for not being in New York when the World Trade Centre’s twin towers were hit by planes in what is one of history’s most famous terrorist attacks.

He had flown out and in fact was not even in the country at the time the attack occurred. Considering I was in the country when the devastating floods hit Quuensland and was even in the same state when the less devastating but still serious flooding hit Victoria, I am counting myself as a survivor.

I can’t wait for Kochie and Mel to knock on my surprisingly dry front door.

Using the Hewitt logic I also survived the 2007 earthquake in Peru, in as much as I had tickets to travel to Peru in the same year. The upside of earthquakes in Peru is they lead to the discovery of more Inca ruins and relics.

I also have survived the droughts of southern Africa. When white-water rafting along the Zambezi River in Zimbabwe my tour group admired the amazing cliffs that stretched as far as the eye could see, only to be told by the guide that “it is very sad that we say that as we should be admiring raging waterfalls for as far as the eye could see.”

I also survived both the 1983 Ash Wednesday bush fires in South Australia and the 2009 Black Saturday bushfires in Victoria. During the former I sat on my inner city suburban front lawn in my pyjamas watching the line of fire across the top of the Adelaide Hills. During the later I took a leaf out of former Chief Commissioner of Police Christine Nixon’s book and went out for a meal. I left my apartment in the CBD and went to a Queen Victoria Market cafe and had two ham and cheese croissants at $4.50 each. I remember thinking that the smell of smoke interrupted my alfresco dining experience.

I was closer to danger than Lleyton Hewitt.

I am a survivor.

I also survived a meteorite landing at Lake Titicaca, Bolivia. Sure I was in Princeton, New Jersey, USA at the time but I was meant to be there. I was booked to visit the region for a week after walking the Inca Trail and snorkelling around Galapagos Islands. I changed my travel plans last minute (I can neither confirm nor deny that this change of plans was to chase a lady friend).

The point was I was meant to be on the lake and therefore evacuated at the time of the meteorite strike and I had not told anyone about my change of plans so had to keep up appearances of being there, being evacuated and living in emergency accommodation. I continued writing my daily holiday blogs as if I was.

I can tell you the volunteers and fellow survivors staying in my imaginary shelter were all very pleasant and helpful. The bed comfortable. The food, whilst somewhat bland was plentiful and nutritious. In fact it was all much better than where I actually stayed where I shared a single mattress and all food came with a side of fries. Even a plate of fries came with a serve of fries.

People in South America also understood me more readily than their Northern American cousins. In Peru and Bolivia they speak Spanish. In America English, however unless you have the same accent as them you may as well be speaking double Dutch, it is all Greek to

them. Even many television shows where all the characters are clearly speaking English, the slightest hint of an accent will result in the provision of subtitles..

Although no plane on which I have been a passenger has being flown into a building I have been told by the pilot of a plane departing Adelaide, via the intercom that “this flight will be delayed slightly as it received maintenance on the landing gear in Melbourne this morning that we are not happy about. Relax and enjoy your flight.”

I have also had a pilot loose the airport, not the luggage – the airport. We landed in the correct city but mistakenly the pilot chose the domestic airport for an international flight which just left flight and ground crew confused and the passengers stranded.

I have also survived the disaster of Hog’s Breath Cafe running out of steak. It is a steak house, steak is pretty much all they sell. That is like Bakers Delight running out of bread or a yiros/souvlaki/kebab shop running out of whatever it is that they cook on the long stick and tell the customers is meat.

As I said, I am a survivor.