All shook up

As Elvis said we are “all shook up”. The human race has spent centuries building structures for the glorification of itself and chosen gods. In the most part the planet has laid back and let it happen. Every now and again, like a housewife shaking the crumbs off the tablecloth after a family dinner, the planet shakes off what it thinks is waste.

Unfortunately for Japan and New Zealand the planet has enjoyed this sensation and added vigour more reminiscent of a dog in the middle of a bath.

Disasters have differing effects on different populations. In Peru earthquakes are received with a degree of enthusiasm knowing that more ancient Inca ruins may be revealed which in turn will bring in more tourism dollars. The fact that the majority of houses are built from mud bricks admittedly reduces the damage bill. As the mud bricks can be restacked. What is unusual is that for all of the earthquake proofing technology that goes into modern architecture Modern buildings in Prue will collapse and be damaged, the ancient Inca structures will remain largely un-harmed.

Politicians will be affected, for brief moments they will remember their purpose and humanity and make decision efficiently based on what will be best for the people, for their needs. They will also remember to speak in complete and detailed sentences with a tone of empathy and statesman like demeanour. I stark contrast to the short sound bites spat out with vindictive arrogance.

Commercial media outlets when they stop salivating at the possibility of winning national and international journalism awards for their disaster coverage will inevitably set out to create stories where a story does not already exist. Regardless of the extent of death and devastation, millions of people homeless hundreds of people dead they will always tell us first about the one Australian who got minor abrasions.

Despite all of the money and energy thrown at a disaster by the commercial networks to create the ultimate “human interest” story with high production values of which Hollywood would be envious; orchestral soundtracks and voice overs baritone voice over, the awards will go to the true news stations that put the energy into simply capturing the news as it happens.

Tourist companies will be in a frenzy to redirect travellers already en-route. Tourism commissions from affected countries immediate go into damage control to ensure that the tourism industry does not suffer as much or as long is the local people. It is an interesting contradiction that the country’s leader will be telling people to stay away for their own safety and the safety of the rescue workers. “The city is closed.” While on the next podium the Minister for Tourism will be pleading with the international community to visit, proudly proclaiming “we are open for business.”

Extremists will take the opportunity to lay blame ofte inexplicably; punishment for homosexuality, global warming, genetically modified crops, stem cell research, too much fibre, not enough fibre social media that is ruining interpersonal communication.

Ideally the shock jocks will find one individual to turn into the scapegoat. Although this person and a professional position of authority the talkback stations announcers and callers will ignore the obvious – that no-one has the authority to actually prevent an earthquake.

Let’s face it, even with the weight of all of the high rise buildings and sumo wrestlers holding the ground in place , the planet still managed to shake Japan loose.

Top 5 Pun-tastic show titles

http://anewleaf.com.au/2011/03/06/top-five-pun-tastic-show-titles-in-2011/
My show "Feakuent Flyer" is number 3 on the list!

Fashion v Function

It seems that teenagers fail to understand the definition of UNDERwear . What started as a fashion of ensuring the waistband is on show has progressed to enduring the waistband AND legs hems are also on display. This fashion does not stop on the streets. Even on the slopes in the Swiss Alps this is an important fashion requirement.

Guys wear their ski pants down below their butt, while the girls wear the pants undone and rolled down to reveal the level of treatment they receive when visiting their local beautician. Despite the obvious protection the ski pants offer to areas of the human anatomy that can benefit from additional padding and warmth.

If I have learned anything from being a Seinfeld devotee it is that men suffer shrinkage in the cold. In a region of the world that it is common to go direct from the slopes to a nude spa and sauna this cannot be very flattering for the men. On the other hand it might explain why they get away with being naked in a sauna – everyone’s genitals appear to be innies, with no outies out to shock the locals!.

Consideration of colour when choosing your ski apparel is important regardless of age. For the under 50s it is important to get tops and bottom in exactly the same colour and/or pattern. For the over 50s is seems compulsory. If you are female and over 50 it is popular, if not unfortunate for most, to wear a onsie.

Safety headwear when skiing is surprisingly popular in a region of the world where the wearing of seatbelts when driving is merely a road safety suggestion and talking on the mobile phone whilst driving welcomed. I saw a guy cycling with no helmet, talking on his phone, smoking and eating a sandwich leaving him with minus one hand on the handlebars. Helmets on the snow though – everyone wears them.

When it comes to clothing, whether in the snow or no, it is never appropriate to dress identically to your partner! There, I’ve said it.

Headwear is not essential, especially if you have gent’s blow wave so big that it would make Barry Gibb jealous.

One of the favourite outfits I saw was a woman in a white body-hugging one-piece outfit with matching white belt, white goggles, white gloves and white scarf. Not bad for a woman clearly in her late 60s. The only colour she wore was bright orange lipstick and I think hat was just so her friends did not lose her in the white snow

Freakuent Flyer Show (Melbourne International Comedy Festival - Tickets now on sale

Lost In Translation

Randolins Backpacker and Hotel, St Moritz Switzerland. Breakfast includes “ovumtine” and “good nuts”. This may be a case of things getting lost in translation, but one thing for sure is no-one wants dried gonads for breakfast.

Quite frankly if a woman’s ovaries are discharging a dry brown powder one should firstly see their doctor immediately and then apparently collect it in a tin and serve it as a warm milk beverage.

Switzerland, in some regions does not openly welcome tourists. St Moritz does not allocate many resources to translating signs, local information or menus, if there is a translation it is most likely to be in Italian – the nearest neighbour is the Italian city of Turin.

The first language of Switzerland is Swiss-German. Not in St Moritz. Here they prefer to speak a hybrid of German and Latin. Not even doctors speak Latin anymore. The second language is the national tongue then Italian. English is treated with derision, disappointment, disgust and pity.

It should also be noted that information printed on signs, timetables, posters, brochures and books – no matter how recently it was published – should not be taken as the truth, rather it is a mere suggestion of what events and services are available.

Buses will run at different times and on varying routes. Places of business may be closed regardless of their advertised opening times. Signs tell you that retailers only accept Swiss Franc. This is true unless a consumer offers them Euros, in which case the prices are often much cheaper,

They do however only give change in Swiss Franc.

Unless you are travelling with an abacas and a slid-ruler do not try to calculate the conversion rates utilised by the sales assistance as it seems to alter between the time they quote the prices and the time they present you with the change.

St Moritz, the whole town is merely a rough guide, a representation of itself. On the signs at the entrance to the town it should say Welcome to St Moritz*^.

*Serving suggestion only

^ Conditions apply

darren freak

I Survived!

Lleyton Hewitt made news on September 11 for not being in New York when the World Trade Centre’s twin towers were hit by planes in what is one of history’s most famous terrorist attacks.

He had flown out and in fact was not even in the country at the time the attack occurred. Considering I was in the country when the devastating floods hit Quuensland and was even in the same state when the less devastating but still serious flooding hit Victoria, I am counting myself as a survivor.

I can’t wait for Kochie and Mel to knock on my surprisingly dry front door.

Using the Hewitt logic I also survived the 2007 earthquake in Peru, in as much as I had tickets to travel to Peru in the same year. The upside of earthquakes in Peru is they lead to the discovery of more Inca ruins and relics.

I also have survived the droughts of southern Africa. When white-water rafting along the Zambezi River in Zimbabwe my tour group admired the amazing cliffs that stretched as far as the eye could see, only to be told by the guide that “it is very sad that we say that as we should be admiring raging waterfalls for as far as the eye could see.”

I also survived both the 1983 Ash Wednesday bush fires in South Australia and the 2009 Black Saturday bushfires in Victoria. During the former I sat on my inner city suburban front lawn in my pyjamas watching the line of fire across the top of the Adelaide Hills. During the later I took a leaf out of former Chief Commissioner of Police Christine Nixon’s book and went out for a meal. I left my apartment in the CBD and went to a Queen Victoria Market cafe and had two ham and cheese croissants at $4.50 each. I remember thinking that the smell of smoke interrupted my alfresco dining experience.

I was closer to danger than Lleyton Hewitt.

I am a survivor.

I also survived a meteorite landing at Lake Titicaca, Bolivia. Sure I was in Princeton, New Jersey, USA at the time but I was meant to be there. I was booked to visit the region for a week after walking the Inca Trail and snorkelling around Galapagos Islands. I changed my travel plans last minute (I can neither confirm nor deny that this change of plans was to chase a lady friend).

The point was I was meant to be on the lake and therefore evacuated at the time of the meteorite strike and I had not told anyone about my change of plans so had to keep up appearances of being there, being evacuated and living in emergency accommodation. I continued writing my daily holiday blogs as if I was.

I can tell you the volunteers and fellow survivors staying in my imaginary shelter were all very pleasant and helpful. The bed comfortable. The food, whilst somewhat bland was plentiful and nutritious. In fact it was all much better than where I actually stayed where I shared a single mattress and all food came with a side of fries. Even a plate of fries came with a serve of fries.

People in South America also understood me more readily than their Northern American cousins. In Peru and Bolivia they speak Spanish. In America English, however unless you have the same accent as them you may as well be speaking double Dutch, it is all Greek to

them. Even many television shows where all the characters are clearly speaking English, the slightest hint of an accent will result in the provision of subtitles..

Although no plane on which I have been a passenger has being flown into a building I have been told by the pilot of a plane departing Adelaide, via the intercom that “this flight will be delayed slightly as it received maintenance on the landing gear in Melbourne this morning that we are not happy about. Relax and enjoy your flight.”

I have also had a pilot loose the airport, not the luggage – the airport. We landed in the correct city but mistakenly the pilot chose the domestic airport for an international flight which just left flight and ground crew confused and the passengers stranded.

I have also survived the disaster of Hog’s Breath Cafe running out of steak. It is a steak house, steak is pretty much all they sell. That is like Bakers Delight running out of bread or a yiros/souvlaki/kebab shop running out of whatever it is that they cook on the long stick and tell the customers is meat.

As I said, I am a survivor.

The Real Salzburg

From the outer courtyard of Festung Hohensalzburg which guards over the historic city below, the awnings, spires and monuments each adorned with a turban of snow, Salzburg appears as an artist’s impression of itself. Walking the winding path that alternates from asphalt to cobblestone under foot it all feels real enough.

Nonnberg one of the world’s oldest functioning convents, made famous in “Sound of Music, the cold hard bricks as stoic and ancient as its inhabitants prove to be nothing more than a façade to the warmth of the nuns worshipful song that emanates though its doors and windows.

This is not the only façade in Salzburg, birthplace of Mozart. 47 percent of the city was destroyed during 15 bombing raids during World War 2, when the Allies weaponry was not as pinpoint accurate as today’s military. Despite architects and stonemasons recreation of the city showing amazing attention to detail, the city is an artist’s impression of its former self.

A forgery. Replica.

Reminiscent of the codes in a Dan Brown novel the city keeps its secrets by putting them out in full view. One just has to pay attention to the details. Interpretive signs include phrases such as “copy” or “print” guides will tell you that artefacts are “of the period” or “in the style”.

Another sign of the lack of authenticity are the prices. While in other European cities museums, palaces and galleries all charge admission. Salzburg the vast majority have free entry. The subtleness of this clue is in its audacity.

Mozart, arguably Salzburg’s most famous son has his own museum. Mozart Geburtshaus, his birthplace, in keeping with the Salzburg style is full of artefacts that represent the history of Mozart and his family. The violin, has been confirmed by Mozart’s sister to be the same make and size as the actual violin Mozart received for his 6^th birthday – without being the actual violin Mozart received for his 6^th birthday. Similarly there is a piano that is described as “similar to the one Mozart owned”.

The four locks of hair sealed in Perspex cubes are accompanied by a sign declaring that DNA evidence proves that three of the samples do indeed come from the same person, but can not confirm that they came from the famed composer’s head or the head of any of his relatives. By omission this sign also tells visitors that at least one lock of hair is nothing more than, well just a lock of hair.

What is real is the hot drinks served at the Geburtshaus café. The hot chocolate is served with a spoon that can stand up in the “drink”. More like a meal than a drink it is like warm pudding mix just before it sets.

Reality can also be found in the much shunned and slightly kitch Sound of Music tour. Although not geographically fitting together as they do in the multi Oscar© ward winning movie, the rotunda, the fountain, the abby (both the actual abby-Nonnberg and the church shown on film Mondsee Cathedral) Leopolskron Castle (Captain von Trapp’s home) and so much more. The laughs and singing are all real on this tour. Apple strudel at St Gilgen will become one of your favourite things.

The residents of Salzburg are also real and so is the beer and the Augustinerbräu Kloster Mülln is a real mix of both. Consisting of three halls each the size of a basketball court furnished with rows of long wooden tables where patrons can sit with approximately 200 of their new best friends on equally long wooden benches – Hogwarts dining hall except the magic here is real. In total this is a mammoth beer hall hosting up to 2000 guests at a time The menu is simple: bread, dip, cheese, roast chicken and sausage. And beer. Beer is sold by the litre in steins patrons wash for themselves in a fountain. There are people in traditional costumes, chinking of steins, singing of traditional folk and dancing. This beer hall is everything Hollywood producers tell us European beer halls once were. Regardless of age or language, the social connection in this place is real

Salzburg was once an extremely wealthy principality, due mainly to its salt mines, and its wealth is evident, in the quality of its replications; its boutique retail strip, RezidenzPlatz, its fortress or Rezidenz Palace.

Although many of the furnishings and fittings are replicas and recreations, Rezidenz the former home of the Prince Archbishops of Salzburg is pure opulence. Now one of Austria’s premier art the the furnishings and décor make the Marriott Renaissance Hotel Royal Suite in Dubai look like a shack. The ornate heaters alone would be worth more than a modest inner city apartment in many of the world’s capital cities.

To escape your own reality venture to Salzburg for a few days to experience reality of a different kind.