Have you picked up lately?

My first overseas holiday was to Africa for a four week safari. I remember that for that trip I got quite a send off; Mum, Dad, sister, Auntie and a car full of friends. At the time I thought it was wonderful. Sharing the love and all that.

Turns out they all were just making sure that I left the country.

This was best demonstrated on my return from the same holiday. Having collected my luggage and passed through Australian customs I entered the “Arrivals” lounge to find it full over everyone else’s family and friends. They all did arrive.

My friends were about 30 minutes late, but did eventually complete the pick up. My parents did show at the airport some 12 hours after my arrival. They confused am/pm apparently. Tey called me from the airport to determine my location.

Now the love is completely gone. I take a shuttle bus to the airport, alone. On my recent visit to Adelaide my parents did complete an on time pick up. Upon departure their preferred support was to drop my at the nearest bus stop, which would only add an additional 30-40minutes to my journey – to be at the airport for a 6am flight.

In Chile LAN Air got the pick up confused. The flight was delayed and so I missed my connection. A fact I knew some 30 hours prior to my departure. I was already booked on the next available flight and a 5 star hotel room was booked on my behalf at the airlines expense. The only thing left to organise a bus transfer.

There were many other travellers faced with the same situation. The airline customer service staff decided that at this point they would only speak in Spanish, knowing that the majority of affected passengers were Australian. This rule was only broken for one reason – leggy blondes.

The staff were instantly bi-lingual. I think this s a world record for learning a new language.

The blonde was elected our leader, unopposed, and without any further delays we were ushered to the bus stop to await the arrival of the transfer bus. Ninety minutes later the blonde returned to the service desk to negotiate the ordering of an actual bus.

I think there should be rules for airport pickups.

1. A host MUST collect all international visitors from an airport
2. If a host collects interstate visitors from the airport they MUST also complete the drop-off.
3. A traveller MUST offer to pay any airport parking costs incurred by the person/s completing the pick up. The person completing the pickup will ALWAYS refuse the offer.
4. To avoid any carpark costs, a passenger can text/call the picker-upper upon landing. This MUST be arranged prior to the flight and only delay the pick up for a maximum of 5 minutes. This is not an excuse to be late for the pick up.

Share you airport pick up rules and stories in the comments section

New Gigs

two last gigs before the comedy festival starts

24 March @ The Monastery on Church Street Richmond Victoria starts 8pm free entry

29 March @ The London Port Melbourne Victoria starts 8pm free entry

My set will include material from my upcoming show Freakuent Flyer as well as some material that if I was to make a DVD would be in the Extras section

Tickets are selling for my show http://www.ticketmaster.com.au/search?tm_link=tm_homeA_header_search&q=freakuent+flyer&search.x=0&search.y=0 be quick if you want tickets to Sunday night

http://www.comedyfestival.com.au/2011/season/shows/darren-freak-freakuent-flyer

Travel Insurance

Travel insurance, like a pre-nuptial agreement, is all about preparing for the worst whilst at the same time planning and hoping for the best. I am making bookings to visit what is left of New Zealand – the north island. I read all of the details in the product disclosure statement, even the fine print, and could not find any exclusions about if the country you are visiting unexpectedly sinks to the bottom of the ocean, which is about the only natural disaster not seen around the world in 2011 so I think my travel companion and myself will be covered.

I like to undertake adventure activities when travelling abroad; abseiling, sky diving, trekking, zip lines, human sling shots white water rafting. I am half way through my mission to white water raft on every planet. Due to these types of activities I always take out the premium level of travel insurance available.

I have even had use to claim on my travel insurance. Twice. Neither time was it due to what insurers consider to be “extreme activities”.

In Africa having spent 4 weeks trekking across desserts and savannah regions where I got charged by an elephant whilst I was sitting in a jeep and charged by a rhinoceros while I was on foot I white water rafted and consequently swam in crocodile infested waters of the Zimbabwean river system. I jumped out of a plane that was held together by gaffa tape over the deserts of Namibia.

It was none of these activities that resulted in an insurance claim.

At the end of my safari tour I spent 4 days in the luxury resort of Sun City. I was spending a luxurious day in their water park and chose to utilise the waterslides. Admittedly the slide was called “Slide of Courage.” This slide was long and straight at an angle of approx 85%. Bodies separate from the actual slide during the descent. I separated enough that by the time I got to the bottom I had what can only be described as a landing. Coming to a complete halt across the slide still 5m short of the end-pool. The resounding “crack” sound was loud enough that the entire park came to a complete stand still.

Surprisingly I had not broken anything and was able to get up and walk away from the scene. The injury did not become clear until approximately 30minutes later. I had torn the trapezius muscle which extend down the back of the neck to the shoulder.

Gym-junkies will spend endless hours to build up their pecs, biceps and triceps, hundreds of sit ups and twists to get the perfect six pack for their abs, but I am here to tell you that they are all wasting their time. The trapezius is where all of the strength is.

Having torn it off of the bone I lost all strength in my upper body. Having had room service change the sheets and remake the bed, I had to ask the maid to return to my room to untuck the covers as I did not have the strength to turn down a sheet.

Even though it took nearly an hour to get out of bed, I did manage to still get down to the endless buffets at both lunch and dinner. After all I needed to build my strength to commence the healing process.

At least falling off a water slide is more extreme than the reason for my claim when holidaying in New York for Christmas in 2007.

I was hospitalised with extreme gastroenteritis which I contracted from a computer key board. It is often said that computer viruses are often spread through email.

Although I got exceptional service from all of the hospital staff – albeit that I was the only person in casualty that was not their due to alcohol or drug intoxication, it did not warrant the cost.

AU$13,000 in bills. For this I got two drip bags of saline, four x-rays and eight hours on a hospital gurney and a cup of ice chips. No meals, no over night stay. I only saw a doctor for 10minutes in total. Most of the treatment was done by radiographers and orderlies.

For this amount I would have hoped that the drip would be laced with something more exotic and dripping from bags made of gold.

I can’t complain though. I was so sick that throughout the previous night that even though it was the depth of a New York winter with snow all over, the only way I could get cool enough to fall asleep was to lay naked on the cement floor of the bathroom.

I was burning up. The saline was not liquid platinum but it did the trick. After eight hours I was good as gold and able to stomach more meals that consist mainly of cheese. Even more I boarded a 20 hour long-haul flight back to Australia not more than 30 hours later.

I am wondering if travel insurance to New Zealand includes protection against their accent!

All shook up

As Elvis said we are “all shook up”. The human race has spent centuries building structures for the glorification of itself and chosen gods. In the most part the planet has laid back and let it happen. Every now and again, like a housewife shaking the crumbs off the tablecloth after a family dinner, the planet shakes off what it thinks is waste.

Unfortunately for Japan and New Zealand the planet has enjoyed this sensation and added vigour more reminiscent of a dog in the middle of a bath.

Disasters have differing effects on different populations. In Peru earthquakes are received with a degree of enthusiasm knowing that more ancient Inca ruins may be revealed which in turn will bring in more tourism dollars. The fact that the majority of houses are built from mud bricks admittedly reduces the damage bill. As the mud bricks can be restacked. What is unusual is that for all of the earthquake proofing technology that goes into modern architecture Modern buildings in Prue will collapse and be damaged, the ancient Inca structures will remain largely un-harmed.

Politicians will be affected, for brief moments they will remember their purpose and humanity and make decision efficiently based on what will be best for the people, for their needs. They will also remember to speak in complete and detailed sentences with a tone of empathy and statesman like demeanour. I stark contrast to the short sound bites spat out with vindictive arrogance.

Commercial media outlets when they stop salivating at the possibility of winning national and international journalism awards for their disaster coverage will inevitably set out to create stories where a story does not already exist. Regardless of the extent of death and devastation, millions of people homeless hundreds of people dead they will always tell us first about the one Australian who got minor abrasions.

Despite all of the money and energy thrown at a disaster by the commercial networks to create the ultimate “human interest” story with high production values of which Hollywood would be envious; orchestral soundtracks and voice overs baritone voice over, the awards will go to the true news stations that put the energy into simply capturing the news as it happens.

Tourist companies will be in a frenzy to redirect travellers already en-route. Tourism commissions from affected countries immediate go into damage control to ensure that the tourism industry does not suffer as much or as long is the local people. It is an interesting contradiction that the country’s leader will be telling people to stay away for their own safety and the safety of the rescue workers. “The city is closed.” While on the next podium the Minister for Tourism will be pleading with the international community to visit, proudly proclaiming “we are open for business.”

Extremists will take the opportunity to lay blame ofte inexplicably; punishment for homosexuality, global warming, genetically modified crops, stem cell research, too much fibre, not enough fibre social media that is ruining interpersonal communication.

Ideally the shock jocks will find one individual to turn into the scapegoat. Although this person and a professional position of authority the talkback stations announcers and callers will ignore the obvious – that no-one has the authority to actually prevent an earthquake.

Let’s face it, even with the weight of all of the high rise buildings and sumo wrestlers holding the ground in place , the planet still managed to shake Japan loose.

Top 5 Pun-tastic show titles

http://anewleaf.com.au/2011/03/06/top-five-pun-tastic-show-titles-in-2011/
My show "Feakuent Flyer" is number 3 on the list!

Fashion v Function

It seems that teenagers fail to understand the definition of UNDERwear . What started as a fashion of ensuring the waistband is on show has progressed to enduring the waistband AND legs hems are also on display. This fashion does not stop on the streets. Even on the slopes in the Swiss Alps this is an important fashion requirement.

Guys wear their ski pants down below their butt, while the girls wear the pants undone and rolled down to reveal the level of treatment they receive when visiting their local beautician. Despite the obvious protection the ski pants offer to areas of the human anatomy that can benefit from additional padding and warmth.

If I have learned anything from being a Seinfeld devotee it is that men suffer shrinkage in the cold. In a region of the world that it is common to go direct from the slopes to a nude spa and sauna this cannot be very flattering for the men. On the other hand it might explain why they get away with being naked in a sauna – everyone’s genitals appear to be innies, with no outies out to shock the locals!.

Consideration of colour when choosing your ski apparel is important regardless of age. For the under 50s it is important to get tops and bottom in exactly the same colour and/or pattern. For the over 50s is seems compulsory. If you are female and over 50 it is popular, if not unfortunate for most, to wear a onsie.

Safety headwear when skiing is surprisingly popular in a region of the world where the wearing of seatbelts when driving is merely a road safety suggestion and talking on the mobile phone whilst driving welcomed. I saw a guy cycling with no helmet, talking on his phone, smoking and eating a sandwich leaving him with minus one hand on the handlebars. Helmets on the snow though – everyone wears them.

When it comes to clothing, whether in the snow or no, it is never appropriate to dress identically to your partner! There, I’ve said it.

Headwear is not essential, especially if you have gent’s blow wave so big that it would make Barry Gibb jealous.

One of the favourite outfits I saw was a woman in a white body-hugging one-piece outfit with matching white belt, white goggles, white gloves and white scarf. Not bad for a woman clearly in her late 60s. The only colour she wore was bright orange lipstick and I think hat was just so her friends did not lose her in the white snow

Freakuent Flyer Show (Melbourne International Comedy Festival - Tickets now on sale

Lost In Translation

Randolins Backpacker and Hotel, St Moritz Switzerland. Breakfast includes “ovumtine” and “good nuts”. This may be a case of things getting lost in translation, but one thing for sure is no-one wants dried gonads for breakfast.

Quite frankly if a woman’s ovaries are discharging a dry brown powder one should firstly see their doctor immediately and then apparently collect it in a tin and serve it as a warm milk beverage.

Switzerland, in some regions does not openly welcome tourists. St Moritz does not allocate many resources to translating signs, local information or menus, if there is a translation it is most likely to be in Italian – the nearest neighbour is the Italian city of Turin.

The first language of Switzerland is Swiss-German. Not in St Moritz. Here they prefer to speak a hybrid of German and Latin. Not even doctors speak Latin anymore. The second language is the national tongue then Italian. English is treated with derision, disappointment, disgust and pity.

It should also be noted that information printed on signs, timetables, posters, brochures and books – no matter how recently it was published – should not be taken as the truth, rather it is a mere suggestion of what events and services are available.

Buses will run at different times and on varying routes. Places of business may be closed regardless of their advertised opening times. Signs tell you that retailers only accept Swiss Franc. This is true unless a consumer offers them Euros, in which case the prices are often much cheaper,

They do however only give change in Swiss Franc.

Unless you are travelling with an abacas and a slid-ruler do not try to calculate the conversion rates utilised by the sales assistance as it seems to alter between the time they quote the prices and the time they present you with the change.

St Moritz, the whole town is merely a rough guide, a representation of itself. On the signs at the entrance to the town it should say Welcome to St Moritz*^.

*Serving suggestion only

^ Conditions apply

darren freak